With Your Shadow

What are you doing there, Fan? Are you studying? Or maybe you're remembering your girl in other city, huh? Maybe so. Obviously you're not thinking about me. What for you are thinking of a girl who wasn’t beautiful at all like I was?
Akh, Fan! Maybe I'm a sentimental person. I do not know! Why until now I can not forget you, I will not know! Why I can not forget your innocent face? Why does your voice full of authority always ring in my ears? Why your athletic figure always dancing in my eyes welling? Why?
I'm stupid, you would not answer silly questions like that. I myself just did not know the answers, especially because you did not understand the real problem was. Who I am, maybe you've forgotten. Not like me, I'd never forget you.
Actually, I've been half dead trying to remove your name at the bottom of my heart, but could not. Really! Everything in our school always reminded me of you, how I would be able to forget you? Honestly, I was always surrounded by shadows of your amazing figure.
When I was in the field, I remind of your kelincahan when you was chasing the ball. When my eyes on your class, the shadow of yours in my eyes when you're standing in the doorway, watching the kids playing basketball. Especially when I saw Aji who change you as the Chairman of OSIS, I always remembered you, all his behavior and actions reminded me of you. Not because of anything, because his behavior was like a made-up. He seemed pretentious now. Show-Off, goody-goody, get smart, and cocky everything. He seemed to mimic you. Almost all school events, he was handling. He wanted to show himself. Your activity was only natural, but Aji’s was excessive.
That's why, when I saw him, I remember you. When I saw his behavior was a bit pretentious, my heart always whispers, "You were not so."
For some reason, until now I have never found an interesting guy just like you. To me, you were the only guy who fits with my attitude. All behavior and your character were none contrary to my heart. In my eyes you were no blemish.
Was I wrong, Fan? Am I wrong if I could not forget you until now, forget all the charm, charismatic, symphatic smile, and all that were in you? Was I wrong to always miss you? While you were there and not here anymore.
I wanted to forget about you, but could not. Do I have to leave this school in order to escape from your shadow? Is not that coward? Moreover, I did not want to leave my good buddies.
Let, Fan! Let me stay here with your shadow!
Sayonara, Fan! Learn diligently. Here, my prayers are always said for you. May you always succeed and always cheerful with your ‘goddess’! When dawn began to creep westward, hear my prayer to be sent by wid of night. Sayonara! ***

This is the first of my writing which had published in Hai Magazine No. 26 June 28-July 4, 1988 in Rubric of 'Surat Sahabat' (Companion Letter. I got Rp20.000,- for fee of this writing. It was much enough money at that time, bacause I could treat my best friends having lunch and watching movie, also I could buy a shirt. I felt so rich and happy.